Come Undone
by trunks111
Summary: Naruto. Shonen-ai. Warnings: Depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm. He's medicated and goes to therapy weekly. Hell, he's even in college. So why does he still feel so empty? Can anything change? Will he continue to follow his dreams or will his depression win out?
1. Chapter 1

'I've a new therapist. It's all right I guess. I don't think about it much. My thoughts are ... unoccupied typically. I don't think about much. School mainly, when I'm at school anyway. Games occasionally. But today I haven't thought about much. I spent a large amount of the day sleeping. Not because I was really tired, I just felt like sleeping. I had strange dreams though.

I don't feel much of anything right now. I guess I'm numb? I don't know. Nothing is terribly interesting. Nothing is really worth doing. I want to do something to feel something though. I want to feel. I want to do something more self-destructive than sleep all day. I want to go buy some mountain dew and drink it like I used to. I want to do something. I don't know why I feel this way. I just want to feel something. My days aren't really that busy. Except for a few hours. After that though, I wander around listlessly. My games aren't really interesting. Outside is hot and I have no one to do something with. I'm always bored.

I don't know what I want to do. About anything.  
At one point, yet again, I thought I had everything. I'm not sure what happened though. I don't think I really did anything wrong. I think I did everything right. He was everything to me. I was his and he was mine. So what changed? I don't know. I never do. Something always changes and it ends. And each time, it's shattering. I'm tired of getting back up. I don't want to bother anymore.

Sure, I've these lofty dreams. But in reality? Will they ever come to anything? School, nothing but school for roughly twelve years, maybe more or maybe less. To get a job I'm not even really sure how to get. To do things I'm not even sure of. I'm not even sure what exactly I'll be doing, hopefully what I want. Another twelve or so years of schooling for the second degree I want. Unless I can somehow pull off a double major. I don't know.

Sometimes that's comforting. Other times, I just wonder what's the point of it all? I mean, I'm 21. Just now started college, almost done with my first semester. For the most part, my depression is under control, but sometimes it gets to me.  
Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I bother. What the point is. I don't really have any answers. In these times, nothing seems worth it. Not in the least. A bottle of alcohol seems to call my name, but it's not like I'm drinking anything hard, so it's like what's the point in that then?

Other times, I wonder if I shouldn't just try again. What would it really hurt? Hell, maybe I'd even be successful. Think of how great that would be! Long laid plans, and they finally succeed. Screw dreams, plans are better.  
I mean, why not? Honestly, why not?

Sure I can name a few friends that would likely care, but so what? If it's what I want, what does what they want matter?  
I guess it matters in the way of I'm not alone. But even so, maybe it would be better if I went through with it. I don't know though. It's tempting.'

Blue orbs fell closed as his left hand gripping the pen fell slack. His eyes were full of tears, but why he wasn't entirely sure. Why did he weep? Another question that had no answer.

He glanced towards his phone and idly picked it up. Contemplating. He texted a couple of friends, just a simple "hey".  
Minutes passed without a response. So he considered going to sleep. He was supposed to skype with one friend though. So he'd give it a little bit longer. Maybe his friend could distract him from his depressing thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

'Why is it so hard to let go? I don't know. But it is. It has been... at least a week since we were officially over. Only days since he said we likely couldn't be friends because our feelings for each other would get in the way if simple friendship.  
There's just so much I want to say but I don't want to overstep bounds... As always, I worry of upsetting him with my thoughtless words. Even if I've spent a great deal of time thinking about them before speaking them aloud, somehow, I always manage to still be thoughtless.

I still want him. A life with him, even if I know neither of us could be fully happy with that life. I still want it. I spent so much time thinking about it, imagining what it would be like to have a life with him. And now, it was all for naught. We can't be. He says it's because I refuse to change and perhaps that is so. I don't think I could change my disposition so easily though, nor, do I wish to. For the that one thing that ultimately separated us, I cannot abide. It's always been a dealbreaker, I have no idea why I pursued for so long when I knew, ultimately, this would come to pass. I tried, I don't know why. I was a fool. Blinded, as always, by feelings. Numbed to reality by the sweetness of imagination.  
I still love him. But that matters not. It's simply not to be. I need to accept it, but I cannot seem to let go.'

Tears cascaded as he wrote, but he paid them no mind. The body is weak.

'This world is fraught with things I can't begin to fathom. How can one miss what is nearly non-existent? I do not understand nor do I think I ever will. I suppose it is in the knowledge of presence. I guess I can understand that, though it is with reluctance. I was radically different before. With each time, I recognize myself less and less. I have truly lost myself. I knew I had before, but this seems different somehow. Everything I was changed. Few details remained static. I look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself. I used to be so very different. What caused all these changes? Is it simple or is it more complex? Is it me or is it them? I do not know. Is there a them? I thought there was for the longest time, I think there is. But I'm so desensitized anymore, I don't honestly know. Looking at it objectively, it would seem that yes, they exist. And that alone, is enough to produce headaches.

Which reality is the true reality? Or are they all true and merely slightly variant? How can I truly show the differences? Who should know? How should I present it?  
I have no answers to these troubling questions however. Is there a sixth now? A nameless one that speaks in riddles and rhymes and logical fallacies?  
Again, no answers are forthcoming.'

He stared at the paper for long minutes, unaware of the passing time. Eventually though, he stood and walked over to his bed. He flopped down on it and folded his arms behind his head, gazing at the ceiling. Mulling over what he had written. Writing always helped organize his thoughts, but this time, it seemed to have just given him even more to think about. However, he still felt better after writing so it was worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

'I feel empty. Things that used to bring me joy or happiness, no longer do. I don't know why. Nothing is interesting. Things can barely hold my attention. I'm finding it hard to care about anything either.  
Basic symptoms of depression. I thought the medication was working. It was, for the longest time. I think it still does, mostly. I don't really feel suicidal. It would be nice, it's a nice thought, but that's pretty typical. I don't necessarily feel like offing myself currently. I wouldn't mind an attempt but I doubt I'll do anything.

Music is about the only way I can feel something. Certain songs bring back bittersweet memories. Memories better left buried. The stupid kid I was. I thought I crushed on guys, but really, all I wanted was to be their friend. But I couldn't even do that. I was too awkward and weird. And angry. I was almost always either angry or depressed beyond emotion back then. Not that I remember much of it. I do know that much though. I had very few good friends, and I'm still that way. Few friends, just a background person.

My life is boring. If I had a job it would be different. I could buy things for myself. Instead, I'm just a student, living back at home. It's not really a bad place, I guess. I have my own room, but the place isn't mine. Like it was when I was working. At least work has purpose. School has it's purpose but it's rather long term. I need something to be doing now. I'm sure classes will get harder eventually, but right now I'm so fucking bored so often.

Fuck, for some reason, I feel lonely. Lonely, of all things. I never feel lonely. I like being alone. I love being by myself. So why the fuck do I feel lonely? I never feel this way. It doesn't make sense.

Now I've a fucking headache. This day just keeps getting better. Maybe a nap will fix it. I'm not tired for once though. I wish Hinata would answer her phone though. Maybe we could do something. I doubt it, she's always pretty busy. Worth a shot though..., right? At least Kiba is answering his. That's something. He's a pretty cool guy. I pretty much ghosted him because of my previous relationship and starting school, but he says it's cool. He's fucking awesome. He's definitely a good friend.

I can't decided what to do. Nothing seems interesting or worth doing. I have plenty of games, but none of them seem interesting. I could read but I doubt I could focus long enough to.  
I finally printed off my summer schedule and put it into my phone. I still have to set the alarms but the classes are in there. Tomorrow I'm taking my books to the bookstore for buyback. I still have to decide if I'm going to take them to my first class or go to my car and then bring them in. Tough choice. Either way, I have to take them this week. And at some point, get my books for the summer. Not sure when I can do that actually. Hopefully after the buyback.

The last test for psychology opens possibly wednesday. So I'll likely take it thursday after my first class. I'll study a bit before taking it of course. Then the math final is friday. And the english final is saturday morning. Which will be fairly easy. Tomorrow is my day to present my powerpoint in my first year experience class. I'm not really nervous about it. I'm more annoyed about having to do it than anything.

I still don't know what to do. I could play something but I can't decide what. None of it is interesting. It's tempting to start drinking now and play something while I drink. Maybe if I chug them, I'll get drunk? I wonder what that would be like. I'm alone, so not like I could do anything stupid. Or anyone.  
Maybe. I'll keep that idea in mind. Have to see if I have a straw. Could get interesting.'

With that sentence, he stands and stretches. Going in search of that straw.


	4. Chapter 4

He found that straw and it's been sitting there, on his dresser. Just sitting there, but it's as if it wants him to pick it up and use it for the purpose he got it for. He's unsure though. He doesn't want to get drunk. At least, not now he doesn't. He doesn't know if he would get drunk drinking what's in his fridge though. Doubtful, as it's low alcohol content.

With a sigh, he sits down to do some more writing. He flips to a clean page in his notebook and picks up a pen.

'I don't know what it is lately, but I feel so fucking alone. I never feel alone. I'm always bored. Just seconds away from slipping into despair. I don't know what to do with myself. I wandered around the house earlier, but nothing is interesting. Nor worth doing. Math final tomorrow, the next day is the grammar final. Then I'll be done with classes for a week. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself during that time frame. I mean I have that visit to another college but other than that, I have zero plans and no idea what to do.

In class today, one of the peer leaders approached me, scaring the shit out of me honestly, and told me if I ever needed to talk, I could email her.  
Maybe I'll do that. She's interesting and gods know I could use more friends.

So I did.

" _So about that talk you mentioned... I don't really know what to say other than I'd just like to talk... If you're up for a chat that is. I didn't actually expect to take you up on the offer but thank you for the offer."_

I waited anxiously for about five minutes for her response. She replied with her number and said I could text her if that would be easier. I breathed a sigh of relief and saved her number and sent her a text introducing myself.

The messages went as follows:

 _Me: Hey it's Naruto. If this is easier we can use this or I can email you. Either way, just let me know._

 _Anko: Whatever is comfortable for you. I'm OK either way._

 _Me: Either really, I get notifications for both. x] But this works. It lags less._

 _Anko: Right. I hear you on that._

 _Me: I just wanna thank you for talking to me. I dunno if I did that already but thanks mate. You're too kind._

 _Anko: I try to talk to everyone but you are welcome. your presentation hit me hard. so I wanted you to know that there are people who care. I'm one of them. I know what it's like to feel that way._

 _Me: Thanks mate... I try to remember that but lately it's gotten difficult._

 _Me: Shit dude, just talking to you I like feel better. You know during depression how people tend to isolate and then typically feel lonely? I've always preferred being alone and I never understood being lonely. I think I get it now. But I don't know how to change because I don't typically like people._

After that text I sat and waited for what felt like eternity waiting for her response. I know it wasn't even that long but it felt like it. Time seems to stretch into eons when I'm alone anymore. I used to relish it. Being alone, being by myself. Free to do as I please. But anymore, being alone isn't the haven it once was.

 _Anko: I understand that. It's hard to like people when they don't understand where you come from or what you are going through._

 _Me: Right... I mean I've a few close friends but I don't want to burden people. Y'know?_

 _Anko: Yeah. I get it. You aren't burdening me._

 _Me: You sure? Cause I worry about that... even though you did offer to talk I still worry._

 _Anko: I'm positive... Never worry about that._

 _Me: Yesm, if you're sure. You're an awesome person, yknow._

 _Anko: I really try my best._

 _Me: Clearly, and I don't mean that sarcastically. Would you like to read something I wrote?_

It was after that I thought of a little poem.  
"It seems there is light,  
Not much,  
But perhaps enough.  
To get through the days,  
But for the nights?  
I know not,  
Hope is all that remains,  
but is it enough?"

 _Anko: Sure..._

And so I sent her something I'd written, waiting for her thoughts on it only semi-anxiously.  
Since talking to her, I actually feel better. I wonder though, how long it will last.

Nobody praying for me by Seether came on pandora, stirring painful memories of old now dissolved friendships. It's a good song, but not one I can really stand to listen to anymore. Even so, I don't have the heart to skip it. I like that song.  
I wonder what she thinks. Waiting for replies is literally the hardest thing.

She thought it was good. I thanked her for reading. I feel better after getting her reaction and response.  
I wonder what I can do for the next hour or two. I could play pokemon puzzle league. Maybe. That and texting. Sounds good to me.'

With that finished, he put his pen down and closed the notebook. He got up and stretched before turning the Xbox One off and going to sit on the floor to play pokemon puzzle league.


	5. Chapter 5

'I'm still jobless and that grates on my nerves.  
Not to mention I went to get books for my summer semester and I was out of financial aid. I owe out of pocket to pay for the books and the rest of tuition stuff. I spent just over $300 on my books. Thankfully, three of them were included in stuff and I didn't have to pay for those. But now I'm not sure if I want to spend my money on that pre-order. I was going to reward myself for passing my classes with good grades with a $100 game pre-order that comes with all kinds of cool stuff, including a season pass and physical art. Now though, I'm not sure. I still want the game, obviously. I've been wanting to pre-order it for ages. Ever since it was first announced, I've wanted it. When I found out all the cool stuff that came with the pre-order, I was even more excited for it. Now though, I don't know if I can afford to spend the money on a want, school is a need. I need my degree(s) to do what I want in life.  
I mean..., I would play the game, I would beat it at least three times. Hell I play it's predecessor still, I just beat it a fourth time and I still don't have all the achievements.  
But it is just a game. Something I don't need. Something I just want. I've got tons of games. Many I don't even play. And theoretically, if I'm working and going to school, I'll have considerably less time for video games. So is it really worth it? Or am I just clinging to what's comfortable as everything around me is changing?  
I really fear it is the latter. Clinging to what's familiar is common, it's human nature almost. Change is often seen as this big scary thing, and so we do not like it and are adverse to it in all its forms.  
As things stand currently, I have ample time to game and yet nearly none of my games can hold my attention for long. You can only game so much before it too, is boring. It doesn't help when thoughts are racing and anxiety is eating you.

It seemed like such a good idea before. But I guess not anymore. I don't know.

The past needs to stay where it bloody belongs. In the past. It doesn't bear thinking about now. And I'm tired of it. What's done is done. There's only now and the future.  
He's still all I can think about. I still think about him. I want to be his friend but I don't know that it's a good idea given our previous relationship. Hearing from him makes me immensely happy still and not hearing from him brings me down. When he gets upset with me it feels like we're still together. And I know we're not. I still love him and I don't know what to do. We can't be together, I don't know if we can be friends even if we both want to be. First, I have to get over him, then maybe we could be friends. But he needs a friend now, not later. And I want to be there for him. I'll just swallow my feelings and be there for him. It doesn't matter.

School, will be my first priority for as long as it takes to get through it. Then work, assuming I find a job. Then friends and whatever.

I used to believe in Fate and Destiny. The gods. And all manner of other things. Anymore, I don't. I can't. None of that seems real like it used to. None of it seems possible. We live, we die. That's it. We're just a product of evolution. Nothing cosmic or magical. Just science.

My new therapist would disagree though. She's into that Lao guy. And positive and negative energy. Buddhism.  
When I first started counseling I might have been swayed by her. But now? Not so much. I much more favor nihilism. It's interesting. And as far as I can tell, true.

Life does seem pretty meaningless...'

With that last sentence, Naruto set his pen down and stared at his writing. The black ink a stain upon the dead tree bit called paper. He wasn't sure what to do with himself now. Maybe a game, provided it wouldn't get boring quickly. He eventually settled on a racing game and soon lost himself in the music he played in the background while he raced.


	6. Chapter 6

'I spent days with him, it's only been a few hours but I miss him so much. He hasn't sent me a text yet either. I feel so lonely. I want him. We fought last night. I want to do as he wants me to. I want us to be. I miss him when I'm not with him, I miss him when he doesn't text me. I feel lost without him. He's everything to me. I mean, I have school, a job now, and my video games, but he's everything. I want to spend my life with him. I want him. He's really all I can think of almost all the time. I'm depressed without him. I'm depressed anyway but it's more apparent when I'm not with him.

I'm already considering not going to work. I don't want to work. But at the same time I do. Nothing seems worthwhile. I don't want to do anything but be with him. I want to be with him always. He's really all I can think of...  
I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to sleep.'

Weeks passed before Naruto picked up his pen again.

'I've been staying with him. We're together. I want a life with him. I'm more sure of it than I've ever been. No matter what happens, he's what I want. A life, with him. He makes me believe I can actually do it. Life, that is. I feel considerably better when I'm with him.  
So far, I've only called off once at my new job. Hopefully for the next two months I won't call off anymore. Work is going well though, I'm learning all the stuff I need to do.  
I got another new therapist last week. Still in the same room thankfully. She seems nice, better perhaps than my last new one. I guess because she's unassuming, open, and whatnot. She just seems like a better fit. I guess I'm ready to actually try in therapy. I wasn't before, but she seems to make it easier. I've been feeling much better lately, so I guess I'm ready to actually get through therapy.

The biggest drag, is english class. The professor is terrible. What we have to read, is terrible. Staying awake is a true test. Public Speaking begins on monday. Time will tell how that class will go. Math is trying, as always. But I mostly understand what we're doing, even if it frustrates me.

Between work, school, and my personal life, it feels like I have next to no free time. No time for video games or writing. It's strange, but not necessarily bad.

He's acting strange and won't tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about him. I wish he would tell me what went on this morning while I was at work. Maybe in time he will explain. I hope so.  
He's everything to me. I want to share and be there for him in all things. No matter how big or small the events.'

Unable to focus on writing any longer, Naruto set his pen down and closed his notebook. He wasn't sure what he was going to do yet.


	7. Chapter 7

'He's the one I want to spend my life with. I'm sure of it. He makes me happy.  
Even though I feel sad, like I haven't in a while, he makes me feel better. No one else does.  
I haven't really felt this aching sadness in months. But it's back, for whatever reason. It won't go away for long. And when he's worrying about other things and not being loving, it gets worse. It shouldn't, I shouldn't be so dependant on him. But I am. I get sad even when he doesn't text back with an "I love you". I shouldn't though because I know he does even if he doesn't say it. Usually, just being near him is enough, but sometimes I need just he and I time. Where we can talk, cuddle, and stuff.

I've felt suicidal. I have a few different if essentially similar plans. I doubt I'll enact them though. They're just there, in my head, just in case. Insurance, one could say. Should I ever need to, I know how I will. I have options.  
I probably shouldn't think like that though. Sometimes though, I can't help it.  
I mean, I have everything. I have him, a job, school. Everything I could ever want. Everything is going as it should. So I can get the degrees I want to get a job in the field I want. I even have therapy and mostly working medication. Medication that works better than any I've been on before. I'm even slowly losing weight. All good things.  
So why do I still feel sad?

He says I said I was different in the beginning. I don't really remember back then very much. We've been together for like a year. It hasn't always been the best but the good outweighs the bad. I want to have many more years with him. Some day even, marriage.

First though, I need to get my sad outbreaks under control. Same with any suicidal thinking. I don't know that I can do those things though. It seems impossible. Just when I think I've gotten better about my dependance on him, it gets worse. I love him but I don't want to be emotionally dependant upon him. It's not right to be. I should be able to control my emotions regardless of others. Even if it's the one I love.  
Therapy is friday. I wonder what it'll be like as it'll be the second time meeting with her, as the first was near two weeks prior. I wonder if she's read any of the things I suggested. Hopefully she has, it will save me a lot of time. And she'll have a better idea of me. I know she's a new therapist that doesn't really know me yet, but I do hate repeating myself and that's what it will feel like should I have to reiterate everything I told my first. Though I do feel as though this one will help as opposed to my second. Like I wrote before, I feel like this one will actually help. I feel like I'm actually ready to receive the help I need. To make the necessary changes.  
I wish he was home already. But it will likely be like two more hours. I can hardly wait. I wish he was with me. I truly don't like being apart from him, especially when I have nothing to do. Like now. Nothing is interesting. I just want him beside me. I'd feel better if he was. I know it.'

With a sigh he put his pen down and glanced at his phone. Nothing from him, and no real surprise he was at work. Though any text from him automatically lifted his spirits.


	8. Chapter 8

'I should have known. I can't have good things. Or even nice things. It never lasts. Sometime always manages to fuck it all up. Usually me. It's my fault. Like always. We'll see what the future holds. Nothing good I'm betting.

I know. And it will.

Hmm, sounds like a conversation, doesn't it? But is it? Or is it just make-believe? I don't know. I never did. Whatever is, is. Whatever will be, will be.

Goodbye.'

And with that last word, he dropped his pen and stood. He wandered away from his desk then.


End file.
